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Does Your Sibling Need Assisted Living? Here’s How to Have That Talk

Two adults talking to each other

What do you do if you notice a sibling’s home isn’t as kept up as it used to be? Or maybe you notice they have trouble getting around and could use help around the house? How do you bring up the topic of assisted living to someone you have decades of history with? Someone who may see you as a little brother or sister and not necessarily a peer?  

In 2021, the U.S. Census Bureau found that 19.6% of Americans between 55 and 64 reported being childless, along with 15.9% of those 65-74 and 10.9% of those over 75. In addition, 27% of adults 60 and older lived alone, as do about half of women over 65. While most people said they’d support a sibling in need, only 7% had reached out to a sibling when they were in crisis. So, it’s very likely that if you have a childless older brother or sister who needs additional care and support, you’ll have to be to the one to notice and/or be the one to provide it. Here are some suggestions on what to do about a sibling needing assisted living. 

How to Tell if a Sibling Could Benefit from Assisted Living

Assisted living communities – like Lake Seminole Square – are designed to promote independence in a safe, convenient, home-like setting. Residents get help with activities of daily living (ADLs), including getting ready for the day, and have a calendar full of engaging activities. Here’s how to tell when a sibling needs assisted living: 

  • Change in appearance: Unbrushed hair and wearing dirty or stained clothes are signs your sibling may be struggling with basic self-care tasks, such as bathing, brushing their teeth and managing medications. 
  • Weight changes: Losing or gaining weight can point to difficulty with routine tasks like meal preparation or shopping for groceries. 
  • Changes in mood: Crankiness, unexplained anger or a sudden disinterest in favorite pastimes can all point to a need for extra support. 
  • Difficulty with home upkeep: Burned– out lightbulbs and unsorted mail are a few signs that it’s becoming difficult for them to keep their home tidy and safe. 
  • Mobility challenges: Difficulty walking or getting out of a chair or bed can make all other routine tasks and self-care more difficult. 
  • Driving difficulties: An increase in dents and scrapes on their car bumper, especially fender benders, can suggest that driving has become more difficult and dangerous. 

How to Talk with Siblings About Assisted Living

Once you’ve decided that you need to talk with your sibling about assisted living or other type of long-term care, consider these suggestions: 

  • Do some research: Familiarize yourself with the basics of assisted living and everything it has to offer so you’ll feel more comfortable recommending it. 
  • Talk in person, if possible: Try to arrange a time when you and your brother or sister are well-rested and relaxed to talk face-to-face without interruption. 
  • Don’t wait: Rather than waiting for a health crisis or other emergency to force the issue, being able to tackle this difficult decision early can help all of you reach a decision and start planning with much less pressure. 
  • Be honest: Let your sibling know what you’ve noticed and why it concerns you. It may be that they’ve been so busy coping with their declining abilities they haven’t thought to consider possible solutions. 
  • Ask questions: Find out how they feel about the challenges they’re experiencing. Your sibling may be relieved to talk about it and as ready as you are to find a solution. Asking questions  allows them to see it as you seeking to understand and help, rather than offering advice or telling them what to do.  
  • Listen: Your sibling may have anxieties, concerns and objections about moving from their home into assisted living. Don’t minimize those feelings. It’s important to acknowledge them and continue to ask questions so you can better understand their reservations. This acknowledgment will make it clear that you will respect their wishes. 
  • Don’t rush: Allow your brother or sister the time they need to find the words to express how they’re feeling. Coming to an unpressured mutual agreement now will continue to pay dividends as you move forward together. 
  • Stay on task: Remind yourself of the purpose of the conversation. Your goal is to help your sibling find the support they need so they can get back to enjoying life. Even if you have a specific solution in mind, be open to hearing their ideas, too. 
  • Empathize: Keep your sibling’s feelings in mind by checking in with them throughout the process. Whether you’ve had one conversation or are already considering communities, it’s important to know how they’re feeling. 
  • Plan for multiple conversations: Unless your sibling is in imminent danger, it’s OK if this decision requires a series of talks.  
  • Try to arrange a community visit: One of the best ways to alleviate worries about moving is to show your sibling what a community is actually like. This lets them get an idea of the lifestyle, amenities, culture and type of neighbors they’re likely to have. 
  • It’s their decision: Unless your sibling is mentally incapacitated, they get to decide whether to move out of their home and into assisted living.  

Getting the Conversation Started

As with many difficult topics, beginning the discussion is often the hardest part. Open-ended questions like the ones below are the best way to encourage your sibling to talk: 

  • How is it living at home alone? Do you still feel safe? (You may want to mention specific safety concerns such as managing medications, falling on stairs, struggles in the bathtub or kitchen.) 
  • Do you have a plan for long-term care? For example, if you fell or got sick and couldn’t take care of yourself at home, where would you go? How would you pay for it? 
  • Do you feel lonely sometimes? Would you like to spend more time with people who share your interests? 
  • How do you feel about driving? Would you be interested in other options for transportation, so you don’t have to worry about getting where you need to go, car maintenance costs, traffic, parking, etc.? 
  • Ever wonder about having someone to help with housekeeping and laundry? 
  • Would you feel less stressed if you didn’t have to worry about the house? 

Additional Assisted Living Resources

We’ve helped hundreds of older adults decide if assisted living is the best option for their loved ones. If you want to learn more, read about aging in your home vs. assisted living and assisted living vs. nursing homes. You can also call us, use our Community Assistant chat feature, or contact us here to see if assisted living is the best option for your sibling.